I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize