Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
