My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
