The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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