I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
