meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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