Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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