Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
