I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
