Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pray to the hookup gods
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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