Can i not drive my cunt home
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
