You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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