Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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