The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
