Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
