if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
