He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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