and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
