I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
