Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
