piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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