I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
