can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Pants are for mortals
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