So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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