I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
