are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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