I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
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Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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