I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
