Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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