It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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