I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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