so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
