My underwear smells like fireworks.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
