Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So. Much. Porn.
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