You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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