it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
