Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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