everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
