On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
