what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
