On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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