So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
