i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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