Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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