I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
