All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
sarcasm needs its own font
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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