You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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