You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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