i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
