"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
