u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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