So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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