I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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