I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
