She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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