The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
