I wish they made helmets for livers.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
