apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
